I have an important announcement to make, and it’s clear that today is the day to make it, because of the significance of what today is (I mean, of course, that it’s Palm Sunday). I want to use this opportunity to announce that I have dedicated my life to Jesus and am becoming an evangelist. After witnessing how the power of God imbues his messengers with perfect and irrefutable logic, I have seen that Evangelic Christianity is the only belief system that makes any sense. I had hidden behind the lies of “science” before, but science is nothing more than a huge Satanic conspiracy committed to nothing but combating the One True Church – all claims that it is unbiased and loyal only to logic and empirical observation are a devious deception. Anyone who is taught science learns that first of all, but we’re all just too cowardly and immoral to admit it. The only real truth lies in following everything the Bible says without question, regardless of what the so-called “experts” say about how the world really works. Science blasphemously worships humanity, by claiming that the humanity evolved over thousands of years just like every other species. But now that I’m an evangelist, I know to only praise God, who made man in his exact likeness and gave us complete mastery over every other life form in existence. Can’t you see how it’s narcissistic and hypocritical to suggest otherwise? That’s why from now on I’ll commit myself to doing God’s work: criticizing people that I’ve never met before and know nothing about. After all, the best way to change someone’s way of thinking is to tell them they’ll be damned for eternity if they disagree with anything you say. If that doesn’t work, the person you’re talking to is obviously in Satan’s clutches already, in which case it isn’t worth worrying about whether they change their ways or not. That’s what’s wrong with organized churches today; they go to so much trouble to make their teachings seem relevant to people in today’s society that they forget about the important part: judging other people for the sins you assume they’ve committed. That’s why I’m not associating with any of the established churches, especially the Catholics. Just because they were founded by Jesus’s actual followers, they think they know better how to interpret the Bible than me and my gut feeling that I know what it really means. Whatever; they’re not really Christians anyway. They think God expects us to be good people instead of just relying completely on Jesus doing all the work for us. What self-centered assholes. But I digress. My point is, the truth of all this is so self-evident that I shouldn’t have to explain to anyone what sort of reasoning led me to these conclusions. So I won’t explain it, I’ll just keep saying the same things over and over again until everyone realizes that I’m right. That’s the only right way to spread the word of God. Yes sir, this is definitely the best decision I’ve ever made.
Oh, and one last thing: April Fools!
Honestly, if anyone got beyond the very beginning of that without figuring out that I was kidding, I pity us both (you for being a dope and me for being a shitty satirist). But I figured I should briefly explain my thoughts so that nothing I said here gets misconstrued.
I’m a deist. That means I believe in God, but I believe he stays out of our affairs since our affairs are of no concern to him. By this reasoning, it really doesn’t matter what religion we are, so I’d like to stress that I’m not making fun of Christians. There’s nothing wrong with being a Christian, as long as you’re not an asshole about it. The people I’m making fun of here are the people who are assholes about it… the sort who dismiss science altogether because it disproves one minor detail about what they wanted to believe, who can’t comprehend the notion that different people can have different interpretations of the same words and ideas, and who just generally have no respect for anyone who disagrees with them regardless of the content of that person’s character. Those are the people who piss me off, and who I wish there were less of in the world.
Faith is a fine thing, and it's been the driving force behind a lot of the good that's been done in the world, but that doesn't mean you can't be wrong about what you believe. I most certainly could be wrong, and if I ever see real evidence that I am I'll change what I believe (I've done it before). See, it's reason that really shows us how things work: science and math and logic. These aren't things to be feared or dismissed - they're things to be rallied behind, by Christians, Muslims, Atheists, Hindus, and Robotologists alike. And if scientific findings conflict with what you believe, I'm sorry to say it but you're going to have to adjust what you believe a little bit. Evolution, for instance, is scientific fact. You're just going to have to make peace with the fact that the book of Genesis is allegorical, not literal. But if you really have faith in your religion, you should have nothing to fear from science; if your religion is true, science can never prove otherwise, because that's just how science works.
Outside of science, though, people are free to believe and have faith in whatever they want. Each person's experiences affect their perceptions about the world, and those perceptions are what lead them to a particular faith. So people with different experiences are going to believe different things. It's not a matter of rejecting the "One True Faith", it's just that religion is something personal to all of us, and we shouldn't judge each other for disagreeing.
Anyway, those are my thoughts. Later, all.
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